The last few days have provided me with multiple opportunities to reflect on if I'm a good mom or not. Usually when that happens ... the "not" is what's ringing in my ears. I do understand that becoming a parent means questioning your every move and it's scary that the decisions I make have a direct effect on the people that my children will become. It's a much more daunting task than one dreams about when they dream about someday becoming a mommy. I've also been wondering about how much of a child's personality is predetermined and how much is environmental. I have no doubt that there is a combination but am looking for how much blame (if I am being honest) to place on "home."
Braden can be one of the most loving, caring, sweet, kind, patient, smart, witty, gentle boys I know. He can also be really challenging and has proved that this week. I was just thinking on Thursday when I took him to the dentist with me (along with Olivia) that we were going through a really great phase. He'd been listening, transitioning well, sharing relatively well with Olivia and hadn't had much of an attitude. Friday was another story. It was a rough day. He had a hard time transitioning to go to school and threw a fit when I told him it was his responsibility to put on his shoes instead of mine. When we got there he tore through the hallway to get to his friends, pushing moms out of the way and quickly riled the group right up. When I picked him up from school his teacher told me she had to put him in a time out which they save for only really bad things. He had had a hard time transitioning and told her in a loud, mean voice, "I don't want to do it," stamped his foot at her, glared and growled. These are all things that he does for me but oh my goodness - for his teacher? It makes me sick to my stomach. After school he ran into the parking lot after I repeatedly had to yell ahead for him to stop and then he pinched Evan for taking a toy away after lunch.
Here I sit with this pit in my stomach. Is he going to be a trouble maker in school? Have I done a terrible job teaching him how to relate to and be respectful of others? Do I push him to hard? Ask too much? Are Steve and I not consistent enough? Do I not play enough with him? Does he not feel loved unconditionally? I could go on and on and on. It's a wonder that these first children turn out stable while parents figure out what in the heck they are doing. I see why subsequent children are more laid back and relaxed... the parents are! I just can't help but feel that Braden's struggles are my own fault. I can't help but wonder what I am doing wrong and how can I help to fix things. It brings tears to my eyes thinking that I have not done enough or have done something wrong that could affect him forever and not give him the opportunity to have the life I have envisioned for him.
Steve and I went out to dinner last night and talked about things at length. We both identified needing to spend more time as a family. He's been really bogged down at work so would like to be home more. I need to put away my to do list and just sit and play more. I think that is my mantra as a mother. I don't know what to do beyond that. I don't know if the things Braden is doing are normal and if they are, how can I provide enough support, love, and limits to help him move through these phases successfully.
I should stop now. I just am feeling a weight on my shoulders and want to be the best mommy to Braden and Olivia as I can be. Sometimes I smile and feel like I am doing exactly what I should be ... I look at them and feel so proud of them, of our family, of the job I am doing. Other times...like yesterday, I cringe and wonder if I am even adequate. I'm sure many moms go through this but I needed to express my feelings and hope that if anyone has advice they'll share it. I'm as real as real can be and this is our life ... the lovely moments, and the not so lovely moments that appear in every household. Thanks for listening.
