I write this with some guilt because I haven't called to update my mom or Judy which I always do before posting but I just don't have it in me right now. I apologize.
I called the doc again today to see if the results were in for Olivia. Another doctor called me back and told me that the initial Lymes test came back positive. They have to confirm it still for an official diagnosis.
He asked me what Dr. Pikna had told me to do and I mentioned that he wanted me to keep the Rheumatology appointment regardless and stay on the Naproxen. Dr. Soran, the other doctor I was speaking with, said that yes, even if it does confirm positive they may want to monitor her joints due to the length of time that she will have had Lymes. He said that it can't hurt to go on an antibiotic so he started us on amoxicillin today. If it is confirmed positive we'll be on it for 28 days. I don't know yet of the long term effects of Lymes and I feel a little scared to find out. :( I know if you catch it early it's easily cured but the online symptoms of long term effects if not caught early are scary and somewhat vague.
My heart dropped at his statement. He is a wonderful man and he didn't say anything wrong but what I heard was... "this could have been avoided if you'd caught it earlier." The thought that I could have made things worse for her absolutely crushes me. It's devastating. I could just kill myself for ignoring the limp for so long - ugh. I know guilt is totally unproductive but I can't help but be so angry with myself.
So we wait for a final confirmation which should come at the end of this week or the beginning of next, and also hang in there for our appointment on September 2nd which will provide us with the most information.
I had a long day today and am feeling tired, overwhelmed, and sad so I am sorry that this is not more upbeat. I'm sure tomorrow morning everything will look a little brighter.
4 comments:
Oh Sarah, I am sorry. Sorry for Olivia and sorry that you are feeling like this. Unfortunately guilt is something that no one can take away from you. Especially as moms we carry it around in almost everything we do. It certainly doesn't help to hear what could have been, if that is really the case. You don't need to be upbeat for anyone...that is your little sunshine!! Take care of yourself, and give yourself a break....lots of love to you all!!!
Be calm, sister. What's done is done.
You're an amazing parent. Continue to love Olivia and love yourself and, like everything, this too will work itself out.
Thinking about you guys constantly. Keep us updated.
S&E
Sarah
I haven't been keeping up with the blog but my heart goes out to you on this one. Let me just share with you what my mom used to tell me about "guilt"-she used to say that "guilt is for people who do things intentionally and most people that do feel no guilt even though they should so use your energy in love and keep your faith." You are an excellent parent and excellence is achievable while perfection is not - none of us is perfect so please don't be so hard on yourself. Go give that little button Olivia lots of hugs and kisses and stay focused on all being well.
P.S. Maybe I didn't say it very well in the previous comment but what I meant was that you are a wonderful, loving mom that would never let anything happen to Olivia so don't let yourself get caught up in guilt feelings. Your energy is better spent on getting her (and you) through this. It will all work out and we'll keep you in our prayers.
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